Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
