I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
