when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
