I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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