I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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