my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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