I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
