i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she was so not down for the gang bang
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have already put on my inside pants.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
