Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
