I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
