2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
