I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This baby is an asshole
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
