Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
