So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
