I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
