If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
