im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize