I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
