the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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