my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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