Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
