oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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