On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
