Duck Duck Cougar?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
