You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
