I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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