Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's shark week go big or go home
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
