Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
