The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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