Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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