I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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