They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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