glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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