Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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