Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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