Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
