there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
