it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
