hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
