ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
