I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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