I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
