You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
