why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
