I murdered the dance floor call the cops
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize