then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
