Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize