so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am one with the molecules
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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