I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
