White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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