Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
