I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
