Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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