i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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