I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
