Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
