you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
