If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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