Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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