arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
