butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
