He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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