Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
